Saturday, 12 December 2015

You Sneaky Mom ... On Pinterest

So I've been expanding my online horizons lately.

I love to write, teach and learn but I'm not so great with the "technology" these young kids are using nowadays (If you pictured a disgruntled senior saying that, then we are on exactly the right track).

Speaking of, the other day we were at (our young and vibrant) Grandma's and the phone rang. 

Emily, my two-year-old stopped in her tracks. "What DAT?" she queried. 

I proclaimed, "The phone," (brilliantly). 

She gestured emphatically at the landline portable phone in Grandma's hand and slowly enunciated, "No. DAT!" as though I may be slightly senile and hard of hearing. 

Emily flabbergasted by strange object (see below).

A phone. In case you forgot.

Why are we not all driving hovercrafts?

I feel old. My kid doesn't know what a landline telephone is... Are we okay living in this world?

*Ahem.* Anyway... 

I recently started a Pinterest account. 

Most of you have been on Pinterest for two decades, but hey, the person late to the party is always the most fun... Right? ... Right guys? 

Okay. Basically, I have ZERO tech savvy (surprising twist, I know) so Twitter? Instagram? Blogging? and yes, even Pinterest is way outside my comfort zone. 

And the problem is, I don't get it. 

No really. Like there's stuff and I pin it. But where does it go? Why?

So I did what all 32-year-old spinster grandmas s do.

I polled my Facebook friends. 

Always surround yourself with people smarter than you is basically my life motto. Time to reap the rewards. 

I got some interesting responses too. 

Recipes! (Eating! Yes!) Teaching ideas! Home decorating! Oh my! 

Also, there's a secret but cool club I'm going to join that several of my friends have hinted at... 

Intriguing, non? 

I only hope it's not a pyramid scheme or an Arbonne party (Sorry. Too far, sweet Arbonne lady). 

So off I went to Pinterest, EMPOWERED. There's a Pinterest app! I have a phone! My kids are not napping, but they are trapped behind closed doors a whole floor away!  Let's DO this, Pinterest!

When what to my wondering eyes should appear?  

Christmas crafts. 

I am the most art-challenged person alive (sorry grade nines to whom I taught a semester of an art overview course. Secret's out. You can all go to therapy now.). 

I was abruptly removed from a home economics class when I myself was in grade nine because the girl next to me sewed through her finger (I was apparently distracting her?). It was a relief for everyone involved. 

I can't even draw stick people on the board in class without frightening the teenagers. 
They don't scare easy. 

But then there's Pinterest with its illusions of craft-doability for toddlers. 

Toddlers. Do you know the definition of a toddler?
Thanks, Google!

Oh excuse me. 

I meant the SECONDARY definition.
Thank YOU, Urban Dictionary.

Yet, somehow, to my sleep deprived brain, THESE looked like great mommy and me activities:

Hands. WE have hands. Paint. WE have paint. Easy.

Or this one...

Hands again? We've got this. Dream big, kids. 

Let's throw in another extremity. Mama's feeling lucky.

But then...

I had to manually turn this photo because my IPhone didn't recognize it as a fairly OBVIOUS beautiful Christmas tree.

No brown paint. Ain't nobody packing two kids in the car for that. This constipated reindeer may want to hang himself by his scarf when he gets ahold of a mirror. 
"It's okay to be different, Rudolph. You're 'special'."

We're actually quite proud of this one. I'm sure you can see why. 

So now?

Now I'm just angry. 

This is NOT what Pinterest promised me. 

Be honest, moms, you crafty sneaky jerks. 

You're just DOING your two-year-old's art projects FOR them? Aren't you? 

Yes. You are. 


Lies. All lies. 

I feel like this poor deceived child. You sneaky mom.

You sneaky sneaky mom.

Excuse me, Time to go figure out how to start a Pinterest board. 

Board name? Passive Agressive Inspirational quotes.

My story is still unwritten. Bless.

Haters gonna hate. Peace. Joy. Love.
*Quite* challenging. Note to self.
Um, yeah.
Never, critics.

I guess now I know who my TRUE friends are.

Look out, Pinterest. Here. I. Come.

One last gem from Emily. "The night before Christmas." After much artistic discussion, we agreed it was best displayed this way up. Obviously.

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