Thursday, 17 March 2016

Top 10 Signs You May Be a Mombie

If you're reading Mombies Unite, there's a fair chance that you may already self-identify as a mombie, but are you REALLY sure what that entails? Thankfully, today's post from Andrea at For the Love of Honey lays it out for us. Here are ten hilarious (and true) signs you may be a mombie. I'm hoping Andrea will publish a Mombie Handbook soon, but I can live with these helpful guidelines until then.

When she's not wasting the hours away playing with non-toxic beauty products, Andrea from For the Love of Honey can be found playing princess castle with her three-year-old or keeping the baby from eating acorns. She's a devoted wife, blogger, and former ballerina with dreams of one day winning Dancing With the Stars. She's always up for good food and a good laugh, and tries to live every day like Jesus. I am so excited to have connected with Andrea through the online community of Instagram, Living for Naptime, and Facebook. When I first realized how incredibly awesome she was, my first deep thought was, "Why can't I ever have any ugly friends? Yay! A gorgeous soul sister." I think you should go follow her right now (or immediately after you confirm your mombie identify) on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and her awesome blog. (I'll post these again at the bottom because LAZY.)

Mombies! ASSEMBLE! What makes us mombies? Generally speaking, a lack of sleep, or at least atypical sleep patterns. Whether you sleep train, cry it out, co-sleep, or just do-whatever-you-gotta-do-to-get-some-dang-sleep (guilty!), we can all commiserate on the topic of sleeping babies. 

Here's a list of ten attributes that may be all too familiar if you have a child ages, say, 0-18.

1. Chiseled butt and arm muscles 

...Not from squats and push ups, no no. Crossfit really should consider adding "baby jiggling" to their workouts. Ever had a teething baby? How about trying to get an 8 month old to nap at someone else's house? 

Yeah. Toned. 

2. Ninja-like moves

At the first sign of a rustling sleeping babe, I can stealthily drop to the floor undetected. 

Jackie Chan has got nothin' on a mama. 

3. Also... NOT moving. 

Babies are like the T-rex in Jurassic Park. If you don't move they can't see you. And don't even THINK about making eye contact. I'd slap somebody for making eye contact with a woken baby. 

Speaking of which... 

4. Becoming unnecessarily violent towards loved ones. 

Phrases commonly heard in loud whispers in my house include "WAKE UP THAT BABY AND I WILL MURDER YOU" and "LOOK AWAY. DO NOT LOOK HIM IN THE EYE" 

5. A dramatic increase in social media activity. 

If I'm talking to you on Instagram I'm probably rocking and/or nursing a baby. Those 132 pins I just added to my boards? 

Yep, trapped under a sleeping baby. 

6. Excessive Netflix use. 

Naptime is the best time to be productive. It's also a great time to eat chocolate and watch multiple seasons of Parks and Recreation. 

I secretly love it when my babies wake up too early because then I have no choice but to hold them on the couch and lull them back to sleep with the sounds of Chris Harrison and "the most dramatic episode in Bachelor history." 

7. Lying. 

"I'll be right back." No I won't. I won't be right back. I'm going to do five thousand other things knowing full well that you, toddler, will be asleep five seconds after I walk out the door. 

I don't have the time or the bandwidth to read Angelina Ballerina on repeat. 

8. Sleepwalking. 

I have many times ended up in the baby's room with no memory of getting there. Just the other night the toddler woke up and had to go to the bathroom. My husband (in his sleep) heard her calling and he got up, picked her up and sat her in our bed. She reminded him she had to go to the bathroom. He picked her up and took her to the bathroom, then took her back to bed. She asked for water. He went and got her a water, walked it back to her room, and stood in front of her and drank it. She'll probably never call for him again. 

Maybe he's onto something...

9. Moderate Schizophrenia. 

Did you hear that? How about that? Just a dog outside? No, I definitely heard something. 

I better go check. Again.

10. Neck pain.  

...because you just can't tear your eyes away from that precious baby sleeping in your arms. How did you get this perfect little angel? Those eyelashes and button nose and delicious lips can't stare at themselves. 

Someone's gotta do it, even at the sacrifice of your upper vertebrae. 

The only prescription for these signs and symptoms is more babies because you probably also have a serious case of the Baby Fever. No matter how many hours you've wracked up that are culturally considered "sleeping times," it is all so easily forgotten. 

Babies don't keep and neither does that sweet new baby smell. One whiff and you and your birth control are goners. 

Are you hooked on Andrea from For the Love of Honey? Leave her a comment below, give her post a share and be sure to check her out on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and her awesome blog!

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