Saturday, 9 April 2016

What Moms Google - The Truth About Poop.

It's time for #whatmomsgoogle where two sleep-deprived mom bloggers (okay, it's just me and Shaunacey) team up to answer the questions YOU'RE googling about pregnancy, babies and toddlers! We don't promise to be right but we do promise to be real.

Note: If you haven't googled this subject then you're not yet a parent. Congratulations on your full night's sleep and leisurely LIFE date night. Keep us in your prayers.

This week's gruesome google search is :

I can't even start on the number of times I've googled (and then been horrified by) images of green/pink/rock-filled/toy-containing excrement. Poop is such an explosive topic that I decided to just let Google terrify you in detail and deal in general with what even the internet doesn't want to tell you about being a parent.

Non-parents, maybe you don't even converse about how much, how often and how central to life poop really is, but parents, I know you are nodding right now. I didn't get it either but then a six-pound baby girl arrived in a highly natural and extremely terrible experience resulting in me becoming a mother. Today I'm the proud herder of a 2.8-year-old and an 8-month-old and while the no-screen time went out the window with the cloth diapers and the organic vegetables, motherhood is pretty fun…until 8pm. 

Sure, no one gets a daily bath and Puffs are a primary food group, but I think that we've figured out a rhythm to life in the intense and sticky microcosm that is life with littles. Obviously I'm really selling this parenting gig, but I'm not here to tell you how to freeze-dry your baby's umbilical cord, when to start solids or even to disgust regale you with the details of my labour. I'm here to talk to you about THE POOP. 

Whether you're just embarking on the journey to procreate or already deep in the parenting mire, here are some tips to help you face the feces. 

1. Prepare for the poopsplosion. 
The poopsplosion only occurs under certain circumstances, like when your child is fully dressed in a clean new diaper or in a cramped environment of high importance. Favourite locations for this event include the car seat, church, any sort of public transit and baby carriers. 

It's happening right now, isn't it?

A poopsplosion is unlikely to occur if you've brought a change of clothes or have enough wipes on hand, so stock up, my friend. 

Here are a few key phrases to memorize:
  • When in doubt, sniff it out. 
  • Something about Pandora's Box... Don't open what you can't deal with until you get home.
  • And the old standby: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
As someone who's left half her own outfit and all of her baby's outfit in a restaurant bathroom's trashcan, I'm just glad that rough-hewn organic paper-towel toga look for babies is SO IN THIS YEAR.

While poopsplosions are often public, pooptastrophes can happen anywhere. I wrote about a recent pooptastrophe here

2. You will never NOT talk about poop again.

As soon as you have a baby, it's an honest to goodness "POOP" show. Cleaning up the poop. Wondering when the baby will poop. Disposing of the poop. Asking if someone needs to poop. Finding out where someone already pooped.

How can I put this? I own you.
You're nodding. You get it... You only think you get it. When you've scrubbed hand-painted excrement out of the divots in textured wallpaper or attended an entire morning drop-in gymnastics session with poop down your jeans, you can join the support group.


3. The journey doesn't end with independent pooping.
While potty training my toddler, I envisioned the hour of freedom. "Once she can use the potty, I thought, I will get my life back."


As I squat on the floor of a public bathroom, waiting for my toddler to crunch out some caca, I realize yet again that this relationship lingers long beyond the diaper pail. In fact, the only person independently pooping in my house is me... when I manage to get the bathroom door shut.

MOM? MOM! I know you're in there!
So give in to the guano and hold on to the humour among the Huggies. Don't let the dung get you down. All this crappy stuff is sure to produce the most beautiful garden… in about eighteen years. 

Keep shoveling. 

Also, this is a real thing. It's my gift to you. You're welcome. Don't say I never gave you anything. Non-parents are like "Whaaaa??" Parents are like, "This is surprisingly helpful." *Screenshot*

Time to check out what Shaunacey Says. She's number one in the number two business!

AND don't forget to come back next week to see how we "answer" your embarrassing kid questions... or questions about embarrassing your kids. Whatever.

Click HERE to ask... you know you want to.

  While we take our expert advice giving status seriously, you still have to make your own decisions... 
like whether you will count to three during toddler tantrums or just hide in the closet. No judgment. 
Also, you might want to clear your search history. 
Nobody just "stumbles across" placenta lasagna recipes. 
Just sayin'. 


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