Today is a beautiful sunny Monday in February and the snow is dripping off the roof and the kids are at school and life feels hopeful and fresh.
I love the song 'All I know so far' by Pink because while life is hard and scary and beautiful, she hits the nail on the head. Our job is to stay present in it right now and to be absolutely ourselves all the time, through all the pain and to model that to our kids. What a huge lesson and reminder, for me anyway.
The darkness that Pink is talking about comes and goes for me too but I want to take this one step further than Pink. Life is what we choose, just like she says, but I think maybe the most important thing we can choose in being our full selves is a covenant of grace. Instead of surrendering to chaos, I think we can surrender to love. I've been reading in the Bible in the book of Romans and Paul (the writer) is outlining the process of coming to an understanding of Jesus and what he's done for each of us if we choose Him.
Paul starts with the law that the Jewish people follow, the commandments and the law as outlined in the first books of the Old Testament. He points out that once we know what is right (per the law), then not doing it is sin. So knowing that coveting is wrong reveals how we covet even though we don't want to. Basically, once we know what is right and what is wrong, we are guilty of the sins outlined in the law when we do them. The punishment for that is judgement and death because no matter what, we can't be perfect. We can't keep the whole law. We will sin. And if you go read through the Old Testament, this was a real problem because getting right with God took a lot of sacrificing and death in place of the punishment for sins and despite elaborate rituals and closely following the law, people always failed just like we do today. Not one of us is perfect.
But then Jesus. Because none of us could fulfill this perfect law, God sent his son to be a human but to be perfect and to take on the judgement and death we all deserve. Paul says in Romans that if we believe and accept that Jesus died and bore the judgement for our sins, it's like we have died to the law. We aren't condemned by it anymore. It's like if you're married and your partner dies. You are free to remarry whereas if you did that while they were still alive and married to you, it would be probably frowned upon.
So if Jesus died and took the punishment for our sins, then when we accept him, the judgement the law holds over us dies too. Instead of just taking that free pass and carrying on with our bad selves, Paul goes on to say that because of how miserable we were in our sin under the law, we aren't going to keep on sinning just because now we can. The Holy Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is now available to us to help us do and want what is best for us, which is what is right and good and holy. It's a gift that we want and can take hold of, not a bunch of rules to follow in fear.
He goes through the difference of being slaves to our sins and now being heirs and children of a good God. If we are honest with ourselves we are always slaves to something but now we can choose. Sin doesn't own us anymore. We get to live in what is right even when we screw it up. All isn't lost because we aren't owned by that law anymore. We've entered into a new promise, a covenant of grace that we couldn't earn, but that Jesus earned for us. We have help and we aren't condemned by our nature (which is to go right back to our sins).
Once Paul has outlined all of this, he talks about the struggle between what he wants to do (what is right) in his new spiritual life and what he doesn't want to do but keeps doing (sins) in his still human body. For me, I relate to this so much and maybe you do too. I fully want to live in the freedom that I know the Holy Spirit is providing me but my body doesn't always agree. Even if you aren't a Christ follower, you get this. It's like wanting to go on a diet and deciding to do it but not being able to. It's like promising to work out every day and then failing. It's that horrible feeling between what you really want for yourself and the struggle to actually do or be it... and those aren't sins that define our worth. They are just random goals I picked... so what about the really hard deep wrong things we struggle with? Paul says that those still exist. The difference is, with Christ, everything is possible because we have access to his grace, his strength, and his power for our futures.
That doesn't mean that the darkness is gone. Just like Pink, my darkness comes and goes, even though I believe in what Jesus has done for me and the Holy Spirit lives in my life. So what does that mean? Why do I struggle with depression? With anxiety? With food issues? Just like Paul, I have to identify what I'm actually dealing with and remember what is true. There's my REAL self, the forgiven, chosen child of God and I can see her and see her values, her desires, and her gifts... but there's still the the other part, my body, which has its own ideas of what I want and need and its own compulsions and consequences of decisions made over and over. That's all still present but it doesn't get to rule me anymore. It doesn't get to determine my life.
I'm not saying that depression or other mental illnesses are sin. I am saying that they are a part of my body that I have to deal with here on earth, kind of like the temptation we all have to different sins or compulsions. They might not be sin but they are wrong for me. They are incongruent with what I believe and what I want for myself and others. I can't fix them by myself and they are with me as I go, but I do get to choose to believe that they are NOT who I am. And I believe that even though these things are present in my life that the real me is able to experience freedom in Christ.
This darkness comes and goes but I can choose to be here in it, in the full assurance that I am loved and that there is power and strength available to me that is outside of myself and my own determination and will. I can choose not to hide these struggles but to reveal them and lay them down (again and again) in the light of truth. I can choose to dwell in his strength instead of on my weakness.
So what does that look like? This weekend was just as nice outside as this gorgeous morning but I felt irritated and trapped in my thoughts all Saturday. I didn't reach out and be present with my kids. After a terrible sleep, I had a really bad day isolated in my own head. I ate things to numb the discomfort. I closed the door to my room and stayed in there much too long. I did all the things that I don't want to do. So why doesn't God just take this away? Is it because I don't BELIEVE enough?
No. I don't think so. He can. He could. Maybe he will. I really hope so but what I know is what Paul says about that. We have these parts of us because we are human and flawed and every human struggles differently. Paul sees his struggles as reminders of his own condition and as a reminder of the gift of grace and redemption that he needs and receives. While he is in it-- maybe despite it, maybe because of it.
So for me, grasping onto that promise looks like praying. It looks like talking about it. It looks like therapy with a wiser person who can lead me into right thinking when I can't lead myself there. It looks like daily medication to make sure that my the chemicals in my earthly body aren't against me. It looks like remembering the truth of who I am in Christ even when these thoughts and feelings are present too. The darkness still comes and goes but I don't have to accept it as a judgement on my own worth. It isn't who I am but where I am today. I can hold my weaknesses up to the light that I can't be myself and remember how much I need that grace that has been given as a gift. I couldn't earn it but I can choose to accept it.
I woke up to a new morning Sunday and honestly, my kids probably didn't even notice a difference but I did. One bad day doesn't have to extend further. The darkness comes and goes. Jesus remains. So do I. Even if I can't get out from under it in the moment, I can choose to see these episodes without placing all my value in them. I can look at what I did and didn't do and how I directed my energy and I can release it. I can accept forgiveness and move forward equipped with grace and truth of whose child I am and how small this day is in the light of eternity. That's what I'm working on.
Maybe, like sins, this struggle will diminish as I grow and as my focus remains on what is good and true. Maybe it won't but it doesn't change the truth that whether this condition is lifelong or will be taken away from me, I am not stuck in bondage to it. In fact, Paul tells me that when I can't pray, when I can't ask for help or even know where to start, that the Holy Spirit advocates on my behalf, better and more deeply than I ever could. I am known. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am cherished and I am not alone. The love of God rules in my heart even when I cannot control my head. That is who I am and I can make a choice to be who I truly am every day. I can fall because sin remains but I can carry on because grace is bigger.
Every one of us has an ailment. It might be physical, it might be spiritual, it's probably both because these bodies of ours aren't perfect. They are failing us as we age and grow and I don't know why God allows that, except that maybe we get to choose and when we choose Him, the paradox of His strength being made perfect in our weakness is true. I know that as these things come up in my life, I can surrender them to Him and I don't have to carry them alone anymore. I also know that hope is expectantly waiting for what we know is so much better than this. We feel it. We know it. There is something perfect, there is something better. There is something higher. This hope is real and all the hurt now and the struggles now will be so small in light of that contradictory perfection.
Back to this perfect sunny Monday morning. After having Covid recently, I've been really tired and my lungs have been feeling pretty wheezy so today is the first time I attempted getting outside for a run. What a gift to be able to move my body. What an actual gift. Just like I appreciate the days when I am not feeling pressed down mentally so much more because of the hard ones, I am so thankful for movement and being able to enjoy outside especially after the days when I can't. I can physically shake off the fog of guilt and shame in the sunshine and running feels like a prayer of thanksgiving. And just like feeling weak and miserable just a few weeks ago made this run feel so much more freeing, I'm learning that laying out my hard days before the Son only leaves room for grace and gratitude.
So in case you needed a reminder too, His mercies are new every morning. His strength is made perfect in our weakness and you are not alone.
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