Self Comfort? Self Care? Self love?

Lately I've been so aware of how much I've been focused on myself. Maybe it's because it's a time of transition in my life but I think my default state is always to revert to living inside my own head.

Self care, self love, self esteem... none of those concepts are new but they have permeated into everything in our culture. I've bought into them and I find myself slowly identifying all the ways that these ideas are failing me.  As Christians, we follow Christ because He wants the best for us, because He knows us fully and wants us to be fully ourselves. We are intrinsically worthy and valuable  but not because we tell ourselves we are. As we release our selfish desires and confront our own problems, the miracle is that we become the people we are truly meant to be and experience peace and satisfaction that isn't found in any self-help book. It's not a one-size-fits-all solution and it's not a 5 step habit hacker. It's an individualized heart change that happens our whole lives as we grow.

In her book, Miracles and Other Reasonable Things, Sarah Bessey said this:

My friend Kelly told me to pay attention to the difference between self-care and self-comfort. I had a natural bent toward indulging in self-comfort; what I needed now in this season of my life was radical self-care. Self-comfort numbs us, weakens us, hides us; it can be a soporific. But self-care awakens us, strengthens us, and emboldens us to rise.

This. Over the last few months, I've been confronting my own habits of numbing my feelings and somehow refusing to be present by living in my head in everyday moments. I am an expert at self-comfort.  What I am learning is that I have developed a pattern of avoiding pain, through distractions, through eating, through alcohol-- anything that numbs it. Over my lifetime, this has become a habit and so every time my body thinks there is a chance of discomfort (not even pain), I go into a mode of detachment from what's happening. 

It's a frustrating cycle because I repeat patterns I don't want in my life, I disconnect from my family and what is going on inside of me, and I feel isolated and helpless to change it. It feels like I am dishonest because my actions don't line up with what I believe about myself, about God, and about life. Instead of living the life I want and am called to, I've been depending on self comfort cycles.

This morning I was reading I Timothy and two statements stood out to me from chapter 4 and 6:

For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer.... Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness  ... Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called.

One of the breakthroughs I've had in challenging these behaviours and my own wrong thinking this last little while is to confront the lies in my own head that repeat without me knowing. One of them is that everything I like is wrong. 

I don't know why this lie exists but it does. Maybe (as my therapist pointed out) it stems back to my brother dying and me feeling guilty for living and enjoying anything without him. Wherever it started, it turns good things into illicit vices in my head.  I take the gifts in my life and turn them into self-comfort. Liking dessert is a trap because I can't trust myself to not go home and eat alllll the dessert by myself. Enjoying a glass of wine with friends isn't possible for me because I will fixate on that feeling and go home and drink allll the wine by myself. 

Instead of acknowledging that the problem is me turning good things into secret isolating and numbing activities, I project that everything I like is bad and I am wrong for liking it and somehow guilty of wrongdoing. Then I feel defeated and ruled by my desires and trapped in my head and completely self-focused. This is exactly the opposite of how Christ calls us to live and exactly the opposite of how I want to live. 

When I read the above passage in Timothy, I see truth that I need to remind myself daily. Everything created by God is good. It's how I receive it that matters. It's not wrong to enjoy dessert with my family in community and with the right heart. It's not wrong to fellowship with others and enjoy a glass of wine. It's my attitude toward all of these things that matters. Maybe more importantly, it's where my attention is focused.

If I'm focused on my own fear and cravings, then I turn these things into self-comfort and coping. 

If I'm focused on what actually matters, the freedom I have available to me in Christ and the rich life He has called me to and that is in front of me, I find the strength to face myself. I can reject the lies that say I need to numb everything and I can face the discomfort so that I can stay present and experience life, the good, the bad, and the painful, because I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. But only if I show up.

It's in looking up and ahead, not inside and in the mirror, that I can see clearly and be clearly seen. It's seeing myself but in the context of where I really am, loved, safe, and a child of God. When I place myself in the hands of truth, of love, and of unfailing promises, I find the strength to deliberately choose daily behaviours and patterns that are truly self care. 

I'm not perfect and I still struggle with these habits and patterns but I when I do, I know that I am loved, I know that I can access the help I need, and I know that I need to stop and identify the lies that are rolling through my mind and my heart. How? Through the truth of the word of God and prayer. Through reaching for those truths instead of a soporific fix. 

Here's what I do. Maybe it will be helpful to you too. The Bible says that everything God created is good. That means me too. Thank you God. Nothing is to be rejected, that means this moment too Help me receive my life and this moment with thankfulness. I get to be here. I am strong enough to be here. I am safe. I am loved. This moment and this feeling will pass. Thank you for this strong body holding me in this moment. Thank you for a family that loves me. Thank you that you can make all things new, including my relationship with food, with alcohol, and with the people around me. Thank you that you give me desires for what is good and right and that you already know what is best for me. Help me choose the right action now. 

And every day, help me to show up with open hands, ready to take hold of this life that is a free gift I already have. Thank you.

Amen Amen Amen.