Who is it that You Say I Am?

April 7, 2017

Who are you?

Nothing like starting with some giant existential questions.When I think of who I am, I start listing my labels: Mother, Parent, Daughter, Friend, Wife, Christian, Teacher, Runner. I like these titles. I'm proud of them. I'm blessed by them. In fact, those of us with the label 'mother' get a special day coming up and it's nice to feel celebrated, but the rest of the time we tend to fly under the radar.

This year, I'm full-time at home in this season in a new city, and I'm flying waaayyyyy under the radar, like leggings-every-day-under-the-radar. Before Christmas, we had family pictures taken and I thought, "This is my moment. I'm going to wear pants that zip so no one will realize that I have spent one calendar year in yoga pants."

Happening into two years of being a stay-at-home mom has been a pivotal shift for me. I didn't exactly choose it and while I know how fortunate I am to have this time with my girls, sometimes I'm guilty of being defined by what I do in these small, patterned days (maybe 'confined by' is a closer to the truth). In the microcosm of mothering toddlers, I'm not quite certain of what space I hold in the wider world around me or even what that should look like in the day-to-day routines at home. I find myself off-balance and hesitant where I would have been brash and confident five years ago.

Lately as a mom, I keep seeking to clarify my role--- maybe even write myself a job description (and include a pay raise). These thoughts keep knocking around in my head:

Who am I when I'm not defined by what I do outside my house?

Who am I when no one is here to observe or remark upon my behaviour? My habits?

Am I doing this right?

What SHOULD I be doing?

Does it matter?

Do I matter?

Maybe you're coming up to Mother's Day with both arms open, singing "Bring mama all the goodies! I'm ready for the adulation!" or maybe you're like me, excited for a little validation but worried that deep down, you're not quite measuring up. In your secret thoughts, is your identity a tally list of failures?  It turns out that doesn't matter one bit. Not because you ARE failing or because you're NOT failing, but because if you are in Christ, then your identity is already secure, whether you're struggling with or nailing your roles today. 

It's not at all about who I say I am or even who the people around me say I am. It's about who Jesus declares me to be.

Anyone else need that reminder or am I the only one?

My feelings are indicators of what's happening around me, but my every day relationship with Jesus, through God's word and through prayer are the only way to live in the ongoing, non-changing indwelling of His truth. So this God who tells us His strength is found in our weakness and that our quietest unseen moments are infinitely more valuable that external validation, who does He say that I am?

He says that I am forgiven.
He says that I have access to his strength.
He says that He's already faced my struggles and has conquered them.
He says that I am without shame and radiant.
He says that I have a purpose. 
And maybe most importantly, fellow moms, he says that I am His child.

As moms, we know what that means. It means grace, it means instruction and correction but most of all, it means unconditional love. So as I care for my kids in this season of small, I'm making it a point to remind myself whose child I am and that is making all the difference.